I am going to be real with you. When Chaya Garcia came on the Client Code Podcast, I was ready for a fun conversation about love and dating. What I got was a whole mirror held up to my face, and probably yours too. Because even though I am happily married, the principles Chaya teaches are not just about finding a man. They are about choosing yourself first. And that is a conversation every woman needs to have.
Chaya is a relationship therapist and dating coach with 20 years of expertise, and she does not teach mediocre love. She teaches epic love. The kind where you wake up almost nine years into your marriage and you are more in love than the day you said yes. That is not luck. That is strategy. And it starts long before you meet him.
You Are 100% Messed Up and 100% Lovable
This is the name of Chaya's podcast, The 100% Podcast, and it stopped me in my tracks. Because here is what most women do, and I have seen this in my own circle: they try to prove they are lovable through a partner. If I can make him love me, if I can earn his consistency, if I can get him to choose me, then I will finally be enough. But Chaya flipped that completely. You are lovable right now. Not 90 percent lovable until you get your act together. One hundred percent. Today.
"We do not attract what we want. We attract who we are."
That line hit me so hard because it applies to everything, love, business, visibility. If you are being critical of yourself, impatient with yourself, not protecting your own peace, you are going to attract someone who mirrors that energy right back. And the thing is, you do not even realise it is happening until you are exhausted and wondering why it is always the same type of man.
This is why the Visibility Ecosystem matters beyond business. The same principle of showing up as who you actually are, not who you think you should be, applies to love. You cannot attract aligned clients if you are performing a version of yourself that does not exist. And you cannot attract an aligned partner if you have not reconnected with your own worth first. The internal work is not optional. It is the foundation. If you want to see where alignment meets execution in your business, take the visibility audit.
Stop Trying to Change Him. If You Have to Tell Him, He Is Not the One.
This was the moment in our conversation where I wanted to reach through the microphone and shake every woman who needed to hear it. Chaya described a pattern she sees constantly: women in their masculine energy, trying to control and correct a grown man's behaviour. Telling him to pay for dinner. Telling him not to look at other women. Telling him to stop talking about his ex. And Chaya's response was devastating in the best way. If you have to tell a man what to do to be worthy of you, he is not the one.
"If you have to tell a grown man what to do, you have not learned that you cannot change a grown man's behaviour."
I say it all the time: if he wanted to, he would. You should not have to train someone to respect you. You should not have to mother your partner. And you definitely should not be lying awake wondering what he is doing when you are not around. That is not love. That is a project. And you deserve a serene, peaceful life where you can predict the behaviour of your spouse, not one where you are constantly policing his choices.
Chaya said something that stuck with me: instead of running towards the man to tell him what he needs to fix, run towards yourself and ask what you need to do to get better. That is the real work. That is where epic love starts. And the same energy translates into how you show up in business, not chasing, but choosing.
Sobriety, Safety, Spirituality. The Three Non-Negotiables.
When I asked Chaya what women who are dating for marriage should be looking for, she did not give me a checklist of hobbies or love languages. She gave me three pillars: sobriety, safety, and spirituality. And honestly? This framework cuts through all the noise.
Sobriety means he is not regularly altering his consciousness, whether that is heavy drinking on weekends or a "casual" beer every night. If you want stable, predictable behaviour from your partner, he needs to be sober. Safety means he does not lose his temper, he is aware of your existence when you walk together, and you feel physically and emotionally secure around him. And spirituality means he has faith, something bigger than himself, because a man who thinks he is in control of everything is exhausting and, as Chaya put it, dangerous to be around.
She was clear: this is not the advice that gets you okay love. There is plenty of that out there. This is the advice that gets you epic love, the kind where your life genuinely gets better every single year.
Quick Takeaways
- You are 100% lovable right now. You do not need to earn it through a partner. Your lovability is not conditional on anyone else's approval.
- We attract who we are, not what we want. Do the internal work first. How you treat yourself sets the standard for how others treat you.
- If you have to tell him, he is not the one. Stop trying to change grown men. If he wanted to, he would.
- Check for sobriety, safety, and spirituality. These three non-negotiables are the foundation of an epic, sustainable marriage.
- Choose serenity. Value your peace. Run towards yourself instead of running towards someone else to fix them.
What You Do Not Change, You Choose
When I asked Chaya what she is choosing, what you do not change, you choose, she did not hesitate. She chooses to appreciate life. She chooses serenity. As someone who was once addicted to love and went through a 12-step programme to get to the other side, she learned that drama, chaos, and emotional rollercoasters are not passion. They are poison. And now, almost nine years into a marriage that keeps getting better, she is proof that epic love is possible when you do the work on yourself first.
If that resonated with you, join Chaya's free community Epic Love School at skool.com/epic-love-5718. It is packed with live coaching, Q&As, and real advice backed by 20 years of expertise. And if you want to go deeper, check out her masterclass at epiclovemasterclass.com. DM her on Instagram @epicloveexpert. This woman is the real deal.
"We do not attract what we want. We attract who we are."
